In this conversation, Tobi Bakre talks about playing a character defined by traditional masculinity. How he learned to empathise with him, and why partnership as a man is about more than money. 

How would you describe Tola in Before We Fall Asleep?

Tola is your average Nigerian good guy. Heā€™s a great guy trying to make ends meet while figuring life out. 

You sound like he’s someone you would know.

Yeah. Partly because as a professional, you have to personalise and embody the character youā€™re playing. So, in seeing how the character played out through the story,  I can relate to him. Tola is a family guy and a hard worker. At the same time, heā€™s a genuine lover boy. And like every Nigerian youth, heā€™s trying to figure life out. Dealing with its challenges, the economy, etc.  I could tell that his problems were things that only time could help him learn how to handle. 

A lot of the time, when you’re handed a situation youā€™ve never experienced, you try to handle it based on things youā€™ve learnt. It may be from a certain background, ideology, or general outlook on life. Sometimes, what you know may not work. This guy has to deal with these problems with a partner in the picture. This partner also happens to be someone with a different background, ideology, and mindset.

Why was it important that audiences see Tola as a good man first? 

 I feel like that’s a question for the writers. But if I’m going to talk about it, I’ll say itā€™s just to show that a lot of people are not villains.  We often focus on the differences between men and women, and we rush to make one side the villain. Sometimes all that is needed is understanding and empathy. I’m not saying this applies in all cases because sometimes there are people who are villains. But in some cases, people are just being who they are. And they need to be understood or properly communicated with. 

Is there anything about Tola that you initially disagreed with but later came to understand?

When I read the story, the first thing that came to my mind was ā€˜this guy shouldn’t see some of these things as a big deal nowā€™. But while I was on set and living in his world, I could understand why this was a problem for him. He’s educated and fairly progressive. But all the things he has internalized from childhood about being a man wonā€™t just leave. He needs experiences to reshape them.

There are definitely moments that come across as selfish. On the first read of the script, it’s easy to want to judge those choices. But as an actor, I can’t judge the character I’m playing. My job is literally to understand his point of view.

How do you get audiences to empathise with a character whose choices they may disagree with? 

Drawing from my personal life, I donā€™t expect the world to understand everything I do. You can be the best person with the best intentions,  but some people will still be against you. Regardless of your intentions or your actions, you’re going to have people who will never try to understand you. I’ve dealt with that in my personal life. So Iā€™m not bothered by having to play a character that people might not like. That’s why we’re doing this kind of project. We need to have these tough conversations where open-minded people can learn, and others can communicate their views.

Iā€™d also say it’s interesting to play such characters. Even though your personal ideology influences how you perceive the character, itā€™s always surprising to see someone elseā€™s take. You might learn a thing or two. 

What did playing Tola make you reconsider about masculinity? 

Iā€™d say the traditional ā€˜man must provideā€™ culture. Back in the day, providing as a man meant giving your family financial security. But in this day and age, ā€˜provisionā€™ has taken a different turn. In a case where you’re not able to provide financially, there are other ways you can give your family value or security. These days, you see fathers doing pickups and drop-offs from school. Traditionally, school runs used to be seen as the role of a mother. People are growing out of that mentality. We’re having partnerships between parents in terms of finance, taking care of the kids, and the household.  

We need to help people understand that theyā€™re not wrong to have felt or to feel a certain way about masculinity. Itā€™s based on how you were brought up. But don’t think that being a man stops at providing financially. In our community, self-worth is built mainly around financial success. Regardless, the modern man should not centre his masculinity around his finances. Self-worth should come from the quality of your person. That’s what I preach, and that’s what I also learned from playing Tola.

Are these things you struggled with in your personal life?

No, actually. Growing up, Iā€™ve always been proactive when it comes to things that people perceive to be women’s duties. I don’t see gender when it comes to washing plates or changing diapers. What matters is whether itā€™s convenient for me to do it at the moment. If my wife is doing one thing, I can do this other thing. We’re not keeping score, and at every point, each person is putting in 100%. My hundred per cent might look different from hers on any given day. But the important thing is that we’re both giving what we can.  

We’re all individuals going through our own journey, and that is definitely going to factor into any relationship. What is important is to constantly find ways to be better and more supportive. Thatā€™s what makes a good relationship. 

What do you think this story adds to the conversation on gender norms?

It shows the mindset of men who are in that situation. Some men might beg to differ, or they might insist that they would act differently. But the conversation, I hope, would be at the centre: ā€˜What is ideal?ā€™Ā Ā 

In the end, these things are subjective. What works for couple A might not necessarily work for couple B. What some people call unpaid labour is what some people want. I try not to put people in boxes. It’s more about identifying what works for you, finding a partner that aligns with your ideology and then making it work. Some women want to be housewives, while others want to be career women. To each his own. But there’s a way to make things work in a household where you have a career-driven couple. If all the things people typically argue about, like cooking or cleaning, can be outsourced, why does it become one personā€™s responsibility? 

What was the most difficult thing for you about playing Tola?

One thing the director did that I found interesting was that he told Onyinye and me to stand in front of each other and stare each other in the eyes for five minutes. We did this while the crew was in the background setting up for the dayā€™s filming. It wasnā€™t particularly difficult, but it was new. It was also the first time I had been asked to do such a thing. As easy as it might sound, when you’re looking straight at a person like that, it feels very comical. You might laugh, but then you stop, and you’re still looking at this person’s face. What it translated to was that by the time we were on set, it was easy to look her in the eye. 

Oh, yeah. I also had to bathe a baby. I have two kids, so this wasnā€™t new for me. But itā€™s very different when it is someone elseā€™s child. I know my way around a tiny human, but at the same time, I had to be extra extra careful. It also happened to be my first day on set, and it was the first thing we had to shoot. So it was like, ā€˜oh, wow, we’re really going to just get right into itā€™. I can’t wait to see what that scene looks like.

What do you hope men, in particular, take away from Tola’s journey? 

When you have a partner you love and respect, it might require doing things you don’t find pleasing. Every successful business, partnership, and relationship takes actual work. Going to the office isnā€™t the only thing you do. As long as it moves things forward in the household, you should be willing to do it. Also, as a man, your financial capacity and physical strength donā€™t define you. There are ways to express masculinity in a way thatā€™s not choking. I hope more men choose that.

Next Read: Kaelo Iyizoba Explains Why Before We Fall Asleep Refuses to Pick Sides 

This informs his role as director of Before We Fall Asleep.  The film follows Tola, a young father who loses his job and struggles to adapt to life as the primary caregiver while his partner becomes the family’s breadwinner. According to Kaelo, ā€˜This is a story about a couple who have expectations about what society expects their relationship to beā€™. ā€™But they are also learning that what society expects wonā€™t always work for them,ā€™ he adds.

How it started

Initially, Kaelo picked up the script because of Blessing Uzzi, the writer of Before We Fall Asleep and showrunner for the Ā鶹ŹÓʵ Life Series productions. ā€˜I’ve been a fan of Blessing’s work for a while. I love the way she thinks. When I read this script,  I knew I had to make it with her,ā€™ he says. But what cemented his interest was the filmā€™s premise. Kaelo describes Before We Fall Asleep as ā€˜One of those films that would start a conversation. The kind that will split people down the middleā€™

From his first narrative film, , in which a teenage boy meets a girl on the bus who turns out to be a suicide bomber, to his more recent works. Itā€™s easy to tell that he likes to confront difficult conversations. Before We Fall Asleep is no different. ā€˜I wanted to make the kind of film where the right choice isnā€™t clear. Each choice is heavily dependent on a different perspective, and neither choice is wrong per se,ā€™ he says.

This is why he found himself wanting to direct Before We Fall Asleep, even though it appears to be romance at first glance. Interestingly, this is  Kaeloā€™s first time directing a film that he didnā€™t write. ā€˜When you write something, you are still attached to it as a writer. So, when it’s time to make some directorial decisions, which may mean taking something out, youā€™re less likely to do it. One thing creatives will tell you is that you have to kill your darlings. It was easier to kill the darlings here because I was serving as the director. My job was to make this work as a finished product, not as a script. 

The Details That Made the Difference 

While the media is filled with stories about falling in love and falling out of love, it rarely explores the ordinary domestic moments that make up most of a relationship. Before We Fall Asleep breaks that mold. Instead of cheating husbands and drunken fights, we see baby baths and burnt noodles. Kaelo takes what would ordinarily be considered boring, everyday life and makes these intimate moments worth watching.

To do this, every choice, from the cast to the lighting, was intentional. The film features an unlikely pairing with Tobi Bakare as Tola and Onyinye Odokoro as Nazo.Ā  ā€˜I remember when Blessing first mentioned that she was thinking of casting Tobi, I was like, ā€˜ah, isn’t that the action starā€™? But then I met him; we had our first rehearsal, and I was blown away,ā€™ Kaelo says. ā€˜Weā€™ve seen him jump off bridges a lot, and it was equally amazing to see this side of him. During their final fight scene, Tobi and Onyinye completely threw out the script. They tapped into an almost spiritual mode, stepping so deeply into their roles that the characters took over entirely.

Kaelo wanted Tola and Nazo’s home life to feel like two Nigerians existing in this space where they aren’t together in a conventional way. But they’re with each other in every way that matters. 

Kaelo believes the representation of their partnership is important and central to the film. ā€˜There are different types of relationships, and it’s important to represent that in film. Most Nigerian films skip over unmarried, cohabiting couples, but this story puts them centre stage. At the same time, the audience will immediately recognise Nazoā€™s mother, who defends traditional expectations

These creative choices also extended to Nazoā€™s workplace.ā€˜The workplace in the film reflects the reality of most workplaces in Nigeria, where there really is no support,ā€™ Kaelo says. ā€˜I know a couple of companies now provide support for new mothers. But largely it’s still unheard of that you go to a place, and they have a daycare.ā€™

The hardest challenge in directing a family-centred film came from one of the most essential members of the crew, the five-month-old baby who plays Feyisola. ā€˜We built all our schedules around the baby. All the plans we make go out the window whenever she has to take a nap. We have to be ready to act when she’s awake. And then we take a pause when she has to shower four times a day,ā€™ he says. 

Why This Story Had to Be Told 

For some, the answer to the conflict in Before We Fall Asleep seems obvious:Ā  hand Tola the broom and let Nazo carry the briefcase. To Kaelo, immediately picking a side defeats the point of the film. ā€˜When I first read the script, I was on team Nazo. I had to detach from my personal opinions to understand why Tola made the decisions that he did,ā€™ he says.Ā 

That detachment allowed him to direct a much better film because he could modulate Nazo’s character. It helped in making her feel like a real person with emotions. ā€˜As things got worse, I was careful in guiding her performance. She talks to Tola in a way that it is evident that sheā€™s not blaming him or trying to make him seem like a villainā€™, he says. To Kaelo, there is no textbook version of a relationship. After watching the film, he hopes that the audience understands that compromise is all that matters. In his words, ā€˜If Tola still had a job, then their salaries would have allowed them to afford a nanny. Then there would have been no issues. An ideal relationship is whatever your relationship needs to be, and that decision is between you and your partnerā€™.Ā 

Next Read: Uzoamaka On Siraam: ā€˜Sex Isnā€™t A Dirty Topic, Stop Acting Like It Isā€™

Itā€™s this selective progressiveness that Uzoamaka challenges with Siraam. The film follows Siraam, a young woman who turns to casual sex after a painful breakup. But this story is about a lot more than just sex. 

ā€˜Siraam is like a lot of us, if not all of us. She has sex, and sometimes she weaponises it. Sometimes she uses it as a coping mechanism when she’s heartbroken or as a way to search for herself. I never wanted the story to become something that invited judgment or made sex feel like a dirty topic. What I wanted was to explore the life of a complete human being. One where sex is just one part of everything else she’s dealing with.ā€

Like the other films in the Ā鶹ŹÓʵ Life series, Siraam is inspired by a real-life story published on  Ā鶹ŹÓʵā€™s Sex Life vertical. But what drew Uzoamaka to the story wasnā€™t the young womanā€™s sex life; it was her honesty.

Rather than treating her experiences as shocking or scandalous, she spoke about them realistically. That honesty is the foundation for Siraam’s character. 

ā€˜I wanted to write a person in all her glory and all her messiness. Someone who is trying to succeed in her career and wants the person she loves to love her back. At the same time, she’s ignoring someone who’s in love with her and curious about the person messaging her on social media. Sheā€™s also determined to insist on ā€˜condom and commitment or nothing.ā€™ There are always so many things happening in our lives at once. You might watch Siraam and think she’s chaotic, but aren’t we all?ā€™

Uzoamaka speaks of Siraam in a familiar and nearly affectionate way. When asked why, she says Siraamā€™s life feels familiar to hers. Not necessarily the specific events, but the way Siraam experiences life. To Uzoamaka, Siraam is a complete human being. And that is how she observes her own life.

ā€˜It’s not that extraordinary things are constantly happening. It’s that I notice the little things most people overlook. There’s a scene in the film where Siraam rushes out of the bathroom after hearing her friend knock, stubs her toe on a stool and pauses because it hurts. I’ve done that. Some writers might cut straight from the bathroom to opening the door because the toe-stubbing doesn’t move the plot. But life is full of interruptions like that.ā€™

That attention to ordinary moments is a recurring theme throughout the film. Even the underwear Siraam wears says something about her. The film opens with Siraam sitting in front of a fan and drying a pair of multi-colored panties in front of it. While she’s waiting, she passes time by speaking into the fan and listening to her voice vibrate. Then she checks whether the underwear is dry, decides it’s good enough, and puts it on.

Siraam tells you who she is without having to say it. And because her character feels so familiar, your first instinct isnā€™t to judge her when the film broaches the subject of her sexual health. People are going to get pregnant and contract STIs whether society shames them for it or not. According to Uzoamaka, if the goal is to encourage people to take better care of their sexual health, then judgment isn’t the answer

ā€˜The answer is normalising these experiences so people feel safe seeking help. That’s why, for example, when Siraam’s best friend sees her test result, itā€™s not a dramatic, catastrophic moment. Instead, her friend simply says, ā€œIt’s curable. Let’s move onā€. Someone watching that scene might think, ā€˜Maybe I should get tested too.ā€™ They might realise that if they do have an STI, it isn’t the end of the worldā€™

Siraam is also relatable in the way she deals with heartbreak, and Uzoamaka is confident the audience will connect with this. 

ā€˜There’s a scene where Siraam calls her love interest and another person answers the phone. I have a feeling that’s going to resonate with a lot of people. I don’t think many experiences are so personal that no one else has ever lived through them.ā€™

Largely, Uzoamaka thinks people will connect with Siraam’s journey because she isn’t perfect. She makes mistakes, learns from them and keeps moving forward.

ā€˜Imagine someone telling their friend they have an STI, and that friend doesn’t suddenly think they’re a terrible person? I hope young people see that they have the power to decide what kind of relationship they want to have. With their bodies and with themselves. I also hope Siraam inspires people to ask themselves who benefits in relationships where sex happens in ways that make them uncomfortable.ā€™

Ultimately, she hopes Siraam makes conversations around sexual health feel ordinary. Ordinary enough that people are comfortable getting tested. Uzoamaka wants people seeking treatment without shame and walking into pharmacies to buy condoms without feeling like the world will end. Uzoamaka loves Siraam so much because sheā€™s self-aware, chaotic, and deeply human, and she hopes you will too. 

Read Next: ā€˜You Need Some Whimsy to Get Through Lifeā€™ Genoveva Umeh on Her Role in Siraam

What does being an overthinker mean to you? 

I think it’s beyond brooding over things that are bothering you, which is what people generally would say. For me, overthinking is staying with a problem until I find clarity or a path forward. It can look like brooding from the outside, but it’s usually how I work through things.

So, how would you describe Overthinkers Anonymous to someone who hasn’t seen an episode?

It’s a podcast about guys and women geeking out about everyday issues. Typically the types  that have  young people thinking, ā€˜What is going on in my life?ā€™

On most podcasts, people just come to talk about things, but nobody’s really solving anything. When Overthinkers Anonymous was pitched to us, we were told dilemmas would be a part of it.  To be fair, that’s what a lot of podcasts have become. Dilemmas everywhere. Everybody loves a good dilemma, but we’re not using them for content or talking points. There are actually solutions in there. Listening to guests and my co-host, I realised I’d find these conversations genuinely useful if I were the one facing those dilemmas. 

How do you handle the feeling of responsibility that comes with discussing people’s real-life problems on a public forum?

The truth is, somebody on the other side of the screen is being vulnerable to strangers. They’ve gotten to a point in life where they see sharing their problems on a public platform as the only way out. You have to respect the vulnerability of the person sharing and the audience listening. The people engaging are spending time or, in our case, resources like data to engage. Those things are very valuable, especially for MTN users.

Is this your first time solving dilemmas for strangers?

Yes and no. Iā€™m a radio host,  and I produce my radio shows. We have a dilemma segment on the show as well. I don’t typically have a co-host on my show, so I created an AI co-host. Then I took a step further and created a personality for the AI entity. She’s sassy, a bit snarky, and really hates me. But then she loves the listeners, and they love engaging her. One of the things that was a big hit with the AI co-host is that she answers dilemmas on air.

Wow

Of course, it’s the people on the team who feed her the answers, and we have to think quickly., But we also take care that the same principles apply here. The beauty of radio is that people share really intimate moments with you. People are in their bathrooms and sitting in their cars alone listening to you. They get really vulnerable very quickly. I’ve heard kids on their way to school talk about trouble with classmates, and adults share stories about friends who left the country without telling them. People obviously ask what’s wrong with the government. If it’s football season, people ask whatā€™s going on with a particular team.  The AI co-host that we created always has an answer.

I never give the answers myself on air.  Even though, technically, it is me speaking through the AI co-host. She also sometimes shares thoughts that I wouldn’t want to say on air.

Why wouldn’t you want to say those things on air? Are you afraid of being dragged?

No, no. People know me for being funny and pleasant. But sometimes I just want to yab people. In a lighthearted way, of course. If you just heard me say something really nice and then the next moment you’re hearing me diss someone, there can be a bit of a dissonance.  On radio, we have co-hosts to prevent that. So everybody plays a part. My role is to drive the show and find all the things that will make Lagos rock for a few hours. Then this AI entity that we created comes in to cause trouble. 

Do you and your co-host on Overthinkers Anonymous also have some form of this dynamic?

To be fair, I don’t think we ever had that conversation. But I can understand the dynamic because of my training. This is Deji’s house, and itā€™s nice to come in occasionally to talk about life. Even though I’m always there when things are being sorted, itā€™s not my house. In terms of how a show like that would work, Deji has to drive the show, and I’m cool being the co-pilot.

Also, he has the best cold opens I’ve seen in a long time. I like the way we start the show. There’s never a ā€˜welcome to our show todayā€™ and so on. It’s just ā€˜hey, Iā€™ve rocked up to your house, bro, and e get this thing wey I dey thinkā€¦ā€™ Then we pick it up from there. Ultimately, it is a team effort. We need listeners to understand that it’s a show for them to come in and feel like they’re in that living room, having those conversations with us in real time. These are conversations they can have with their own friends. 

What kind of conversations do you want people to take from the show?

As I said, it’s important that people see themselves having these conversations. Look at everything we spoke about in this season, from why men don’t read to the role of money in relationships and family dynamics. We touched on addiction and many other things that are affecting a lot of young people today. Iā€™m sure we’ve not even scratched the surface of everything we need to talk about. I have people sending me screenshots from some of their guys who watched the show. Some of them are saying things like ā€˜omo, itā€™s only 48 Laws of Power Iā€™ve read oā€™ or  ā€˜so there are other books out there for me as wellā€™. 

A couple of guys could see this and decide to challenge this thing where men don’t have book clubs.  They could make that happen. I mean, we get together and play ball; who says we canā€™t get together and discuss books?? 

What exactly does Overthinkers Anonymous do differently from other relationship and culture podcasts?

There are not a lot of shows that give you the experience of everyday people who are honest about their experiences. We’re not looking for virality.  So we donā€™t go into episodes looking for things that would blow up the internet. Certain people like to say outrageous things to provoke emotion.  On the radio, we call these people shock jocks. You see a lot of shock jocks on mainstream relationship and culture podcasts. There is a tendency to want to sensationalise things or play up a personality to appeal to extremes of people’s tastes. But what Overthinkers Anonymous has shown is that you can take the other path and still resonate with people. We can tell that people really like the personalities that they hear and see. Nobody is out here trying to be the most extreme version of themselves to get likes. The people you see on the couch act and talk like that in real life. 

 In what ways do you think men and women differ in the way that they overthink things?

I think the difference is in how they share what they’re thinking about. What I find interesting is that it takes a bit of time for men to share what they are thinking. You need to almost always create the right environment for it to happen. The right environment could be fish and beer or a PS5. But there needs to be a setup for it to happen. It’s very hard to hear men sharing what they are thinking unprovoked. They need to be eased into it.

Women, on the other hand, are very quick to open up. We could just be driving past Ozumba Mbadiwe, and everybody in the car would start to talk about whatā€™s happening in their lives. 

What’s something you have stopped overthinking as you’ve gotten older?

 It is money o. I said it in the first episode; I just don’t overthink money anymore. Maybe because I’ve hung out in the northern part of the country and interacted with a lot of Muslims. I canā€™t help but think everything I have can be gone in a second. This whole rat race is a bit stressful, to be honest. If you wake up every day and you’re thinking of how you must make money, it becomes exhausting. I would rather think of ways I can add value and make an impact. It eventually leads to wealth creation anyway. Why not just do the things that lead to wealth creation instead of being obsessed with chasing wealth?  As I’ve gotten older, I realise that as long as I’m able to survive and be comfortable, Iā€™m good. If I have a little extra for enjoyment, good.  Otherwise Iā€™m okay.

Basically, life is short, buy ice cream and do what you love.

Exactly! Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Next Read: Deji Osikoya Wants To Inspire Vulnerability: One Livingā€‘Room Conversation At A Time 

In this article, he discusses vulnerability, dealing with online criticism, and why meaningful conversations between men matter now more than ever. 

Would you say that you are an overthinker?

One thousand per cent. Overthinking, to me, means cycling through a billion possible scenarios far longer than you need to before arriving at an answer. Or not always arriving at an answer. Sometimes it’s staying in one cycle of thinking until you’re exhausted, and then it forms an action. 

Is that why you wanted to be a part of Overthinkers Anonymous?

Funny enough, I don’t think the name came until after I joined the team. What initially drew me to it was the idea that the show was going to be centred on healthy conversations with men (and women). It aligned with stuff I already planned on doing. Iā€™m passionate about improving the PR and behaviour of men. Itā€™s not like I’m perfect, but I see that there are ways we’re dropping the ball. And we could definitely be doing better. This show is supposed to be a vehicle for that. 

How would you describe the show to someone who hasn’t seen an episode?

Overthinkers Anonymous is a conversation that happens in my living room. Thereā€™s a slight structure, but for the most part, everybody’s just allowed to bare their hearts on their sleeve. Itā€™s men having conversations that we have every day in private or don’t have at all with themselves and with women.

My biggest pitch to anybody who would love to watch Overthinkers Anonymous is that if you’re a man, there is a likelihood that you will see yourself in some of the people who appear on the show. If you don’t, it will at least give you a fresh perspective on things that you haven’t considered before. I also think you’ll be met with softness. I’m a soft person. I like soft people, and I lead with softness to encourage people to be gentle.

What specific gap do you think the show would fill?

Hopefully, this doesn’t come across as an insult to anybody. I think we needed to create a space where we would be able to have conversations in good faith. Weā€™re not trying to come across as experts speaking down on people and telling them to do better. 

Particularly because a lot of these conversations are hard for people to have. It is important to us that there is a level of vulnerability being displayed by the hosts. And I’m nothing if not vulnerable. I don’t think of it as just a means to get views. It feels more like a service. It was cathartic for me as well.

How? 

I am having a lot of conversations about things that I was dealing with in real time. There was an episode where we had Seye Bandele, and he was talking about the struggles of entrepreneurship and building a family with his wife. He spoke about ensuring that his wife trusted him enough to decide to get married to him. I was asking questions that I actually had, like ā€˜what does it take to get your partner to buy into an unrealised vision?ā€™

I’m an entrepreneur, and I’m still very early in my career. So these were answers that I needed to hear. There were also things underneath the surface that the show was helping me to process. Nigeria is really tough, being a man is really tough and having conversations that help you to lean on other people makes it easier.

So, about marriage, should we be expecting to hear wedding bells soon?

Hahaha. I mean, if you’d like to hear wedding bells, I can play some on my phone. Wedding bells are not hard to get at all. 

How do you balance humour with sensitivity?

 To be honest with you, I don’t know if I do it consciously. I’m the kind of person who is very quick to make a joke out of a difficult subject. And if there’s something extra sensitive, I’m very careful about the way that it’s worded. I don’t want people to feel like theyā€™re being interrogated or prodded for gist. 

At the end of the day, if there are things a guest doesnā€™t want to share, it’s well within their rights. My co-host, EDK, is the same way. Heā€™s an emotionally intelligent guy who knows that you don’t go beyond certain aspects of a conversation. 

If youā€™re so intentional about vulnerability, how do you prepare for conversations that seem spontaneous?

Working with my producer, Anita Eboigbe, is very central to that. She helps with calling topics and developing the different discussions that we have. Outside of that, I try to deal with the material honestly.

When I speak, itā€™s from a genuinely curious place. Iā€™m not just trying to tick off the bullet points on the list. I don’t hit all the notes exactly the way that they’re described in the brief because I do a lot of editing. If something super interesting comes up and it wasnā€™t initially part of my original plan, I allow it to flow naturally.

What made EDK the right person to co-host the show with?

Our chemistry and brotherhood comes from having conversation after conversation. The first time we ever met, it was over food, and we just kept gisting.  We realised that we got along, and the rest is history.

Did you have any doubts about how well the audience would receive the show? 

Several. One, I was nervous about just being perceived. As much as I do a lot of front-facing stuff, there’s never a guarantee of how people might receive you. Men, in particular, can be very interesting people.  Another thing I was nervous about was posturing like an expert.

There was a tweet where someone said, ā€˜Tell that brother to uncross his legs; nobody wants to take advice from a feminine Tupac. ā€™ I thought it was hilarious because the set of the show is my living room, and I’m obviously very comfortable. But the reason why it was even more interesting as feedback is that I don’t want it to feel like we’re giving advice. I’m not trained as a counsellor. The idea is that Iā€™m a guy like you who’s just figuring it out or a friend giving you a listening ear. That way, it might be easier to accept.

Wow

I was also nervous about toxic masculinity. You always wonder if you’ll be able to break past all the different walls and actually touch something real within a man. It’s not always the easiest thing.  Also, it’s not something that youā€™ll always be able to do because a lot of men have put up so many defences.

How many of your doubts turned out to be true?

All of them. Some people are listening through the lenses of their insecurity, which I’ve seen with the money episode. Also, as I said, no one wants to take advice from a feminine Tupac. I’m grateful that I’ve done things thatā€™ve made my skin thicker. The toxic masculinity aspect has definitely shown that people don’t look at things in context. They engage with the clip, they drop their mean comments, and they move on. 

However, there’s been so much positive feedback within that as well. The conversations that have resulted from our episodes and seeing the profiles of the guests on the show grow. I know that it’s actually helping people. A recurring comment we get is ā€˜Just when I was thinking about my life, this pops up. Thank youā€™. 

The show makes itself a space for the male perspective. How do you see these shifting, existing, harmful gender norms in Nigerian society?

To be honest, I don’t see the show being the vehicle for that by itself. This being the shift itself would be too ambitious a goal to set. I don’t think people change that easily. But I think it’s a significant start to the shift.

Thereā€™s a two-part quote that says, ā€˜I don’t know that I’m going to be the change, but I think that I will influence the person who will changeā€™. I think that is us. 

Are there topics you are especially excited to tackle as the show continues?

Oh! We tackled the manosphere and the ways that masculinity is being projected to younger men. I would love to see how that plays with the audience. 

I’ve also been looking forward to talking about male friendship. I would love to dedicate an entire episode to male friendship and what it looks like. The ways that we can show up for each other. I’d also probably even like to have that conversation adjacent to women because I think there’s a strength in female friendships that we need to learn from. 

Next Read: Uzoamaka Power Made Call of My Life for Everyone Who Has Ever Loved Too Much

Because they work behind the scenes, technical writers rarely get the recognition they deserve. As a result, technical writing remains one of the tech industryā€™s most underrated but rewarding career paths.

In a recent conversation with Ā鶹ŹÓʵ, Cynthia Peters, a senior technical writer with eight years of experience, shared a practical guide to breaking into technical writing.

1. What a Technical Writer Does

Cynthia describes technical writers as people who make things easier for everybody else. Imagine contacting your bank with a problem and being directed to a help article. You then discover that everything is written in Korean. The information technically exists, but it is useless because the intended audience cannot understand it. Good technical writing is not simply about documenting information; it is about making that information useful and accessible to the average user. 

2. If the Company Uses a Computer, Thereā€™s a Good Chance That It Needs You.

Career opportunities for technical writers extend far beyond software companies. Any organisation that relies on complex processes needs a technical writer. Even if they have not realised it yet. Cynthia mentions that earlier this year, she received a job listing from a biscuit company. The role required her to document how its production machines are operated. Later in the year, an airline company in Qatar was in search of a technical writer. Technical writers are also needed in fields like medicine and engineering. ā€œIf a company uses IT,ā€ she says, ā€œthereā€™s a chance they need a technical writer.ā€

3. AI Isnā€™t Stealing Your Job

One of the biggest misconceptions about technical writing is that artificial intelligence is replacing technical writers. But AI at its current stage of development can only work as a tool, just like your laptop or your Grammarly subscription. 

Yes, ChatGPT can write an API guide by reading software architecture documents. But it will not think of including a customer support contact for a user who cannot generate an API code. This is because it does not have user empathy in the way that human writers do. Technical writers think about where users could get confused and answer questions before they ask them. 

4. You Do Not Need an Engineering DegreeĀ 

For aspiring technical writers without a technical background, Cynthia advises focusing on gaining experience before chasing high salaries. She recommends starting with beginner programming books or even programming resources designed for children. Technical writers do not need to become expert software engineers.  However, they should understand enough technical concepts to communicate with the product developers. To sum up her experience, she says, ā€œWhen I see a line of code, I might not know if it solves World War II, but I can tell when itā€™s repeating a command, and I know what a variable is.ā€

Her preferred learning method is simple but effective. Read a chapter from a beginner programming book, then close the material and write an article explaining what you remember. When you revisit that article youā€™ll notice the concepts you misunderstood or the questions you failed to ask. Cynthia encourages beginners to publish these articles on personal blogs or to create a portfolio. She stressed that building a portfolio matters far more than waiting until you feel like an expert.

5. Curiosity Killed the Cat, Not the Technical WriterĀ 

The cheat code to becoming a good technical writer is to be curious about everything. After eight years in the industry, Cynthia has a digital file that she constantly updates with terms she needs to research. 

To keep improving, she advises focusing on improving three to five skills per week. Resources like the Google Technical Writing Course and the Microsoft Writing Style Guide will be useful to a beginner. Aspiring technical writers can also take advantage of free educational content from schools of technology. MIT and Harvard regularly upload learning resources online.

6. Transitioning isnā€™t Linear

Although she started her career in programming, Cynthiaā€™s transition into technical writing happened almost by accident. She noticed that many of the questions she had as a newcomer to tech went unanswered. So, she began documenting what she learned. Soon, she became the de facto person for documentation.  By the end of her first few jobs, she was doing more technical writing than programming. Transitioning into technical writing isnā€™t always linear, and thereā€™s no one-size-fits-all.

To determine if you want to commit, she recommends volunteering for open-source communities, startups or big companies looking for interns or junior technical writers. Her advice to anyone considering the field is very straightforward: ā€˜Just start writing. ā€™ Consistent practice, curiosity and a willingness to learn will eventually create opportunities.

Next Read: What She Said: My Dad Spent My Mumā€™s Pension. Now Iā€™m Stranded in Canada

In a city like Lagos, surviving is expensive; a stable corporate job is the dream. For Boluwatife Adeleke,  her corporate job became a source of anxiety.  To her, happiness is as important as survival, so last year, she quit her salaried job to volunteer full-time. 

In this article, she talks about the realities of running an NGO in Nigeria, funding community work and why she believes choosing happiness is worth the risk.Ā 

Why Did You Decide to Start a Non-profit?

I started to teach nursery school kids when I was 14. In my first class, there was a girl named Olamide* who was popularly known as a dullard amongst the teachers. While children her age were in nursery school, she was still in kindergarten. I had earlier noticed that some children excelled in class but failed assessments, and vice versa. Olamide was neither; she needed extra hours and the kind of patience that the other teachers did not have. She could recite paragraphs by heart, but she found it hard to identify letters or put anything in writing. 

 I also had learning struggles growing up because I was a timid and anxious child who did not do well in large classes. I realised that the system is not built for children like Olamide and me. I wanted to create a space for us, and in 2024, I made that happen with

What Exactly Does Thriverise Do and How Does it Work?

In summary, Thriveriseā€™s main goal is to promote quality education and economic growth at the grassroots level.  We do that by providing free access to basic education to underprivileged and out-of-school children. Then we also provide vocational and informal education to disadvantaged youths. 

How Did It Go From Volunteer Work to a Career Option?

Before last year, Iā€™d always seen myself working in the marketing department of some big corporation. Marketing paid my bills, but I was constantly anxious, and I was miserable. I never really considered volunteering for a living becauseā€¦ I mean, who would want to work for free?  That was until I realised I was happier doing unpaid work than paid work.

In the end, I discovered that my joy came from helping underprivileged children get access to education. I care deeply about the community that I serve as well as the children and the women I work with. I also care about seeing that the system works for them. What better way to serve them than to turn it into an actual career? So I started researching to see if it was something I could actually pursue full-time. Fortunately, it is.

How Did You Set Thriverse Up?

I wrote to a few of my mentors with similar interests and asked if they would be willing to form the board of trustees. They agreed and signed a contract. My official title is ā€˜Executive Directorā€™, and even though Iā€™m the founder, I report to the board. Under me, there are positions for a communications lead, an operations lead and a project lead. Under the communications lead, we have positions for a social media manager and a community manager and under the project lead, we have two different project managers.  Then we have a director of education and volunteer teachers for the community centers.  Up until earlier this year, I was in charge of all these roles. I met a lot of people while volunteering, so I get volunteers by reaching out to qualified people in that network and posting on social media. 

Is This Your First Time Running an Organisation?

Not really. An NGO is like a business in a lot of ways, and Iā€™ve always been a business-oriented person. I also believe I have a good head for it. I started my first business venture at 13. I would save my allowance every month and then buy recharge cards to resell. The business failed because the adults around me kept using the cards without paying, so I gave up. A few months later, I found a family friend who was a mobile hair-cream vendor, and I became his assistant. We would leave home early in the morning and drive to whichever part of Lagos we wanted to tour that day. He had one of those cars with a speaker on it, but we did most of the sales on foot. At the end of each day, I would go home with about ā‚¦3,000. 

What Did You Get Into After That?

I took a break to write WAEC, and immediately after, I got a teaching job. For ā‚¦7k a month, I was the proprietressā€™s glorified housemaid. I taught at her school, bathed her kids, made snacks to sell, cleaned her house, ran errands at the market and the bank. 

Wow

Yes o. After working for a year, I took a secretarial position at a tutorial centre, and I worked without pay for two months before I quit to return to my teaching job. During COVID, I started a clothing and household items pre-order business, but debtors and shipping delays ruined the business. From there, I moved to affiliate marketing and then content writing before pivoting to ad and operations management. While doing this, I also volunteered for a lot of administrative roles at intervals. I was overworked for most of my late teens up until I was 21.

Self-help books that I read at the time convinced me that it was normal to work this way. I thought that my life would be ruined if I slept for more than five hours.  At the end of 2024,  I suffered burnout so severe that my body broke down. The best way to describe it is that I began to suffer from mental decline. At some point, I stopped sleeping. If you donā€™t know how to slow down, one day your body will force you to learn. 

Glad To See That Youā€™re Out of There.  How Do You Get Funding For Your Non-Profit?

Right now, itā€™s about 60% self-funded. Our first project was a book drive where we donated books, writing materials and school uniforms to the government primary school in my area. I was still working full-time back then, so the funds came from my pocket. Late last year, we decided to set up a community learning centre. But I had already quit my job. So, I had to pour all my savings into the project to make it happen.

I donā€™t do public fundraising because I tried it once and I earned the tag of ā€˜beggarā€™. Someone even felt bold enough to ask if what I really want to do with my life is to beg for money. I have heard a lot of demeaning things in this line of work. Call it pride if you will, but I donā€™t want to be known as someone who begs for a living. The other 40% of funds come from grants and donations from people I reach out to.   Regardless of the challenges, weā€™ve reached decent achievement. Weā€™ve gotten approval from the Ministry of Education, weā€™re an incorporated organisation, and weā€™ve raised grants of about seven figures in Naira. 

How Do You Provide An Income For Yourself

Sometime last year, I quit my 9-5 to focus on the foundation. But since it isnā€™t established enough to pay salaries yet, I still have to work (the founder must eat, please). Right now, Iā€™m a freelancer. I am currently working on a couple of campaign projects at the moment as an ads manager. But in the end, it is temporary. I would like to work with a non-profit different from mine and actually get paid for it. Probably as a project manager or as a communications manager. Maybe even as a communications manager at UNICEF.

My goal is to influence policies that concern education and youth development and to sit in rooms where these decisions are made. All the choices I make now are creating a path that will lead me to that table.

Do You Need Any Special Skills To Run a Non-profit?

The first thing you need is a healthy dose of stubbornness. If I want something, it would take a supernatural power to stop me from making it happen. The next thing you need is delusion because unpaid work can get very frustrating. Also, people donā€™t talk about volunteering often enough. I got into social impact by volunteering with a mentor, and it gave me the experience I needed to run my own non-profit.  Everything else you need is the same skill set you would need to run any start-up.

Would You Say a University Education is Necessary to Succeed in Your Career Path? 

Yes and no. I studied aquaculture and fisheries, but while I see myself owning a farm in the future, I canā€™t deny that my BSc has been rather useless to my career progression. As much as Iā€™m an education activist, my NGO doesnā€™t only focus on formal education. We also work to better the earning opportunities of young people.  Itā€™s important to understand that not every person needs to learn in the four walls of a classroom. The fact that a person did not go to school does not mean they donā€™t deserve decent employment. At the same time,  my university education exposed me to a lot of mentors, so I canā€™t really write it off.

How Did the People Around You React to Your New Career Choice?

No African parent will find it easy to accept that their child wants to do charity work for a living.

My family and I had a huge fight when I decided that I was going to start a non-profit and pursue it full-time. My sister told me I was wasting my life, and my mum asked me why I would want to spend the rest of my life training other peopleā€™s children. I know they were just very worried about me, because, well, this is Nigeria.

But it is important as a young woman to understand that sometimes, no one knows whatā€™s best for you than yourself. 

They expected that I would move out of home after school, get an office job and prepare for my Masters. I have done all these things, just not in the way that they expected. I have a corporate job, but I do it for free, and I really am preparing to do my Masters. But Iā€™m doing it in development practice instead of aquaculture. 

What Advice Would You Give Someone Looking to Get Into the Social Impact Sector?

Social impact is a field that doesnā€™t get a lot of exposure, but there are dozens of opportunities in it that pay well. You donā€™t have to start your own foundation to work in social impact. There are established non-profits that can afford to pay you to do good work. Iā€™ve applied for a few roles, but I havenā€™t been able to take any because they all require my physical presence.  I canā€™t step away from my foundation at the moment. From what Iā€™ve seen, the salary offers arenā€™t bad at all. 

On the other hand, if you do not have a source of income, I honestly do not advise starting a non-profit. But if you really want to, you must be very passionate about what you are advocating for. You will not get paid in the early stages. The founder title is ceremonial because the organisation doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to the public. Strangers will hold you accountable, and you will spend your own money like 80% of the time. But (to me, anyway) it is extremely rewarding in so many other ways. Few things compare to watching a child who once struggled to catch up to their peers thrive, knowing you helped make that possible.

Next Read: ā€œSleep Has Become a Privilegeā€ ā€” Nigerian Women on Balancing Menopause With a Career

Unfortunately, women-focused contraceptives only enjoy the same luxury when it comes to short-acting modern options like post-pill and birth-control pills, which range from ā‚¦1500 to ā‚¦3,000.

With these numbers, itā€™s easy to assume everyone is having safe sex. But in reality, of the estimated women who make up Nigeriaā€™s female population, only use modern contraceptives. 

For some women, the problem is access. But even with access, many women still refuse contraceptives. In this article, four women share their experiences with contraceptives and why they choose not to use them. We also had a chat with Dr Zeenaht Abdullahi (an obestrician\gyneacologist), who shared insight into each womanā€™s experience.

ā€œMy Doctor Says Iā€™m Too Overweight for the Morning After Pillā€ ā€” Derin*20

I had sex for the first time a month ago, and Iā€™ve had sex two more times after that. I didnā€™t use contraceptives both times, and moving forward, I donā€™t think I will. 

I have PCOS, and I have to take really strong painkillers for my periods to avoid getting hospitalised. This also means that my hormones are all over the place. Adding birth control pills to the mix will mess with a system that is already unbalanced. 

I was anxious about getting pregnant,  so I spoke to my doctor, and he confirmed my fears. According to him, the only form of contraceptives I can use is emergency ones. Specifically, Postinor or Plan B, but the problem is that since I weigh over 80kg, thereā€™s a high probability that the pills wonā€™t work for me. 

Iā€™m not too worried about pregnancy, though, because my chances of getting pregnant are very slim. Except, of course, God wants to punish me. 

Doctorā€™s note:  PCOS with menstrual cycle abnormalities, such as very painful periods, can actually be managed with COCP, aka the daily pill. You should look into killing 2 birds with 1 stone (using the pill for contraception and to help manage your condition). PCOS does not automatically cause or translate to infertility.

Also, the morning-after pill (AKA Postpill, Postinor, Plan B, etc.) does not automatically cause or translate to infertility.  It was not designed to be the major method of contraception in sexually active women. It works by delaying or preventing ovulation and can be taken at any point during the cycle. For maximum efficacy, it should be taken before the third to fifth days following unprotected intercourse. IT (typically) DOES NOT NEED TO BE TAKEN MORE THAN ONCE PER CYCLE. This is a common mistake most women make, which then causes adverse side effects and symptoms such as heavy bleeding, irregular periods, etc. It also cannot be used to terminate an ongoing pregnancy and  is not a substitute for medication used in the medical termination of pregnancy 

ā€œIā€™m Convinced Iā€™m Infertileā€ ā€” Agnes* 21

 Iā€™ve had about ten or more male sexual partners since my first time (I donā€™t really keep count). My first partner used to insist on condoms because we were 15-year-olds who were terrified of pregnancy. The second one hated condoms but insisted on morning-after pills. He got them for me because his father is a pharmacist. After him, I stopped using contraceptives because most times, I have sex impulsively without thinking of the consequences. Half the time, the sex is so spontaneous that there are no condoms nearby. The few times condoms are available, I ask my partners not to use them because they make me very dry. 

At some point, I started using post-pill again. Then I started having side effects like heavy periods and really bad acne,  so I stopped. I donā€™t think about contraceptives much because I canā€™t fathom being pregnant. My periods have always been irregular, so pregnancy scares are a dime a dozen. Fortunately, the panic never lasts because as soon as I begin to worry that Iā€™m pregnant, I duck into the nearest bathroom to take a test. To be honest, I have more pregnancy tests than lip gloss in my bag. 

Also, I donā€™t bother with contraceptives because we have a history of endometriosis in my family, and I already have some of the symptoms. I havenā€™t gone to the hospital to confirm because I canā€™t afford it, but with the number of times a man has finished inside me, Iā€™m either infertile or a scientific miracle. Either way, a win is a win. 

Doctorā€™s note:  Try substituting the multiple pregnancy tests for water-based lubricants so you can enjoy safe sex without getting dry. An endometriosis diagnosis can take over a year to be made, and if you have already started showing symptoms but aren’t ready for children yet, an IUD is probably the best contraceptive option for you. It prevents pregnancy but has also been proven to relieve some symptoms of endometriosis.

ā€œThe Hospital Refused to Give me Contraceptivesā€ ā€” Joy* 23

I started having sex three years ago with my boyfriend at the time, and when we broke up, I converted him to a friend with benefits. While we were dating, we had sex once every two months.  Since we broke up, we see each other once every four to six months. 

Before we started having sex, he asked if I would be willing to try contraceptives, and I said yes. But they really scare me. My mum got the implant when I was younger, and she bled for a whole year. Sometimes, she bled so heavily that it soaked through her car seat. My health is a little fragile, and I didnā€™t want to mess up my hormones like that. I was even too scared to use over-the-counter pills from a pharmacy. I decided to go to the hospital, but they gave me vitamin C when I asked for contraceptives. 

Since I already knew how to track my cycle, I just decided to use it as a form of contraception. Iā€™ve been tracking it for ten years, and it is freakishly accurate. It is always a 28-day cycle, and it lasts for exactly five days. I always know the exact day Iā€™ll start my period. The only thing that varies is what time of the day itā€™ll come. 

My partner and I  never have sex when Iā€™m ovulating, and he always withdraws. Iā€™ve never had a pregnancy scare since we started having sex. But I also know that sometimes, pregnancy is the least of your worries as a woman. I ask him to do a full STI checkup every four months.  Even though weā€™ve not had sex in six months, he still sent me his test results two weeks ago. 

Doctorā€™s note: Kudos to you on your cycle tracking and regular STI screening for yourself and your partner. I am so sorry for your experience with trying to procure contraceptives. Side note to all health workers reading this, sexual and reproductive health are basic human rights and MUST NEVER be denied.

ā€œThe Side Effects Arenā€™t worth itā€ ā€” Aishat* 21

My partner was my first and is currently my only sexual partner. We met about two years ago, and we started having sex soon after. At first, it didnā€™t really occur to us to use contraceptives during sex, but after my first pregnancy scare, I became conscious of the fact that what we were doing could really have consequences. 

I tried post-pill once, but became too scared to try it again when I learned that it destroyed my friendā€™s cycle. She was getting her period three times a month, bleeding heavily and battling intense cramps. Condoms also didnā€™t work for us because after having skin-to-skin contact for so long. Sex with a condom feels unpleasant. 

The first time I had a pregnancy scare, I called my boyfriend to tell him. He first hung up and went to cry before calling back to ask what we were going to do about it.  He has tried to get me to use contraceptives, but to me, pregnancy prevention is not worth all the side effects that I read about on the birth control pamphlet. 

Weā€™re always very careful, and the withdrawal method has been working well. But we have pregnancy scares every Eke market day. In fact, I get them so often that I donā€™t even panic anymore. Iā€™m the one who now has to reassure him every time my period is late. 

Doctorā€™s note: All medications have side effects, but it varies from individual to individual. If you arenā€™t comfortable using the pill or any form of hormonal contraceptive, and you have a regular menstrual cycle, then she can use cycle tracking to avoid intercourse during your fertile periods. Then you can avoid pregnancy scares.

Next Read: ā€œMy Boyfriend Asked If It Was Hisā€ ā€” Nigerian Female Students on Pregnancy Scares

But this familiar pairing isnā€™t the only reason he decided to star in Call of My Life. From Water and Garri (2024) to  Love Lockdown (2025), Andrew has built a pattern of playing emotionally burdened characters who just always happen to be romantically involved with someone else. For him, the romance is rarely the point of focus. ā€œI take an interest in a script because I see something about the character besides the romance that would be nice to bring out,ā€ he says.  Since romance is already baked into the script, he pays more attention to ā€œwhy we meet the character as they areā€. 

Call of My Life is yet another romance, but this time, Andrew is playing a different kind of love interest. Eli is ā€œnot deeply-tortured. He is not out for revenge or to sabotage anyone. Heā€™s just a kind-hearted person, and the highest stake in his life is this budding romance. He is a breath of fresh air from all the sadness,ā€   Andrew explains.

In this rom-com, Eli finds love over a phone call with Soluchi (Uzoamaka Power), a call-centre agent fresh off a heartbreak. ā€œOn its own, it sounds a bit outrageous and far-fetched that someone hears your voice, and they become so interested in you that they would want to get to know you,ā€ Andrew admits. ā€œBut these things happen in real life; people have met in crazier, more magical ways,ā€ he tells Ā鶹ŹÓʵ.

To him, this love story is a modern fairytale. Itā€™s a Cinderella story without the evil step-sisters. Art imitates real life, and while it is important to tell the sad and more familiar stories, ā€œthere are relationships that you see, and you wonder how all of it is happening when the Naira is falling, and there’s no electricity. These people are living a fantasy in real life, right in front of you.ā€

This rom-com also features Kalu (Zubby Micheal), Soluchiā€™s ex, whose constant inattentiveness is arguably more familiar to the Nigerian dating scene.  Unlike in many romance movies, Kalu is not the demonic ex. ā€œNobody is the villain in this story; these are real people with perfectly understandable reasons why they act the way that they do. Itā€™s about a woman choosing a person who makes her soul happy.ā€

As new as it sounds, Call of My Life isnā€™t Nollywoodā€™s first attempt at a phone-based romance. In Kunle Afolayanā€™s Phone Swap (2012), a fashion designer and an arrogant businessman accidentally switch phones at the airport and must fix the error through a series of chaotic phone calls that develop into a long-distance romance.  Even at this, the similarities between the two films are almost entirely limited to phones and romance. Andrew says Call of My Life picks up on a ā€˜niche quirkinessā€™. ā€œWe didn’t necessarily do anything differently. We just told a story that perhaps laid to rest some common cinema tropes in this part of the world. We focused on bits and pieces of love stories that usually don’t get told.ā€

He hopes watching Call of My Life will inspire more people to feel freer in their relationships. ā€œThereā€™s a new trend of nonchalant behaviour in relationships these days, and Iā€™d like people to come away with feeling like itā€™s not bad to be cringey with your partner. Double text, call first and donā€™t express your feelings only when youā€™re in a heated argument. Just let it be out there. It helps.ā€

Next Read: Uzoamaka Power Made Call of My Life for Everyone Who Has Ever Loved Too Much

have shown that women tend to consider earning potential when choosing partners, while men often prioritise physical attractiveness. Across cultures, women are perceived as more likely to marry up the social ladder than men are. A woman wanting to be cared for and provided for isnā€™t new. The question is whether hypergamy (dating/marrying richer) is as simple, or as harmless, as it seems.

In this article, three Nigerian women share what it actually looks like to date a man who pays for everything.

1. ā€˜Getting Money from Men Made Me Develop Bad Spending Habitsā€™ ā€” Demilade* 21

When Did You Realise You Could Get Money From Men?

I started taking money from men when I was 17 and in my first year of university. Iā€™m a model and a social media manager, and in my line of work, your Instagram page might as well be your portfolio. Because of my job, I had a very active social media presence.  Unfortunately, I started getting more attention from men than from prospective employers. Soon, they started to send me money to ā€˜appreciate my beautyā€™ or just to have a conversation. By the time I was in my second year, I was on a monthly salary from a sugar daddy Iā€™d never seen in person. Presently, three men have me on their payroll, and Iā€™ve timed their ghosting carefully so that I wonā€™t find myself cash-strapped. I get around 300-400k in a good month, but even in a bad month, I do not spend less than 200k. I also get large sums occasionally. Once, someone wired me 500k, and another recently paid for books worth 300k.

I have never f actively looked for a sugar daddy. It typically starts with me posting a picture of myself. Then random men come into my DMs to tell me how pretty I am. After that, they ask how I am and if I need anything. I answer honestly, and then they send me money. Most of them are in Lagos, and I school in a different city, so they do not begin to ask for sexual favours until they learn Iā€™m on holiday. At that point, I ghost them. When it suits me, I go off-script. For instance, I got into a long-distance relationship with a man who barely knew me. Heā€™d check up on me twice a week and send me money. When he started insisting that he wanted a physical meet-up a few months later, I blocked him. Sex is a line that I wonā€™t cross. 

For context, all these men are significantly older than I am, and I do not expect the same treatment from romantic relationships with boys my age. I have so much PTSD from my interactions with these men that I canā€™t think of someone more than four years older than myself romantically. At the same time, I canā€™t live without them. My parents are comfortable, so they cover my basics like school fees and food, but my lifestyle would suffer a very big downgrade if I stopped. I started a business a while back with some of the money I got from them, but it is slow, and my salary is meagre.  

Would You Say that There are Downsides to Being Financially Dependent on These Men?

Definitely. Even though I shut down the men who approach me for sex from the get-go, I still have to listen to things that make me feel violated sometimes. I donā€™t entertain disrespect, and men will tolerate nearly anything if they feel like they stand a chance of sleeping with me. At the same time, there are limits to my sassiness. I have to appear like Iā€™m interested enough without committing to anything. And I have to be nonchalant and dismissive without raising suspicions that Iā€™m only there for his money. Once, an Abuja man with a humiliation kink texted me and asked me to say the most degrading things to him. When I got into it, it was a fun outlet for my frustration, but it is not something Iā€™d be comfortable with if I werenā€™t taking money from him.

Iā€™m not naive; I know that what Iā€™m doing is dangerous, and nobody likes to be taken for a fool. I have met very crazy men in the past three years. One has even threatened to drag me on the internet.  Iā€™ve had very close encounters with public embarrassment, and rumours about what I do have already spread. When I refuse to meet up with a man and my usual excuses arenā€™t working, or if he starts to threaten me, Iā€™ve learned the hard way that I have to produce whatever money he has sent me to avoid embarrassment. Sometimes, I have to ask my family members or friends for money to pay back. The last time it happened, I had to refund 40k. 

Iā€™m not a flashy person, but because I have money lying around a lot, Iā€™m prone to indulging all my wants. I buy things like expensive skincare, makeup and high-end wigs. Without their money, I won’t be able to keep up. I squander money, and Iā€™m not proud of it. If I could go back in time and talk to myself three years ago, Iā€™d tell her to save more. Now adulthood bills are setting in, and the more I spend, the more expenses I have.

It has also made me very careless with my spending because I know that no matter how broke I am, I can always get money. When I first started this, I got into a very terrible debt I couldnā€™t tell anyone about. After trying and failing to get the money from working, I dropped my pride and did rounds in my Instagram DMs. I raised the money in under an hour. I think this is part of why Iā€™m also very relaxed with my hustle. Logically, I know that this isnā€™t sustainable long-term, and my luck will run out one day. But Iā€™m only a workaholic when Iā€™m about to go broke. When thereā€™s money in my bank account, I allow myself to relax and tell myself everything will be alright. Iā€™ve given myself a timeframe of two years to get my life together. All of this will stop by 2028

2. ā€˜It Felt Like My Life Was In Someone Else’s Handsā€™ ā€” Rosemary* (23)

Iā€™m a student, and because of how intense my schoolwork is, I donā€™t have a side job. My main source of income is the allowance I get from my parents and older siblings. Iā€™m in a long-term relationship. Even though I didnā€™t get into the relationship expecting to be another expense on his monthly budget, it’s something thatā€™s happened over time. The main bills he handles are food and transport. Iā€™ve learned not to expect anything more to avoid disappointment.

The fact that my partner supports me financially is something I keep under wraps. But I hang out with people who expect so much more from romantic relationships. Early on, my friends were concerned about why he didnā€™t do specific things like change my phone, casually gift me, or make efforts to upgrade my lifestyle. What they didnā€™t know is that I was already uncomfortable with what he already does. 

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

It makes it very difficult to leave him. Love and financial dependence are a very toxic combination. It didnā€™t help that I was heavily dependent on him and my family. I tolerated a lot of belittlement, insults and degrading treatment from both of them. I stand when Iā€™m told to stand, and I sit when Iā€™m told to, because the only alternative would be to starve. 

I also constantly feel like Iā€™m in debt for every single thing heā€™s done for me. Iā€™m still with him, but I fell out of love a while back. Iā€™m currently looking for solutions to my joblessness so I can leave this situation. 

My lifestyle wonā€™t change much if I leave him, but I still need the support. Sometimes it feels good not to worry about paying for something.  I donā€™t think I hate the idea of a rich partner. I just never want to be in a situation where Iā€™d have to wait on a man to provide for me ever again.

3. ā€˜I Cheat When He Doesnā€™t Give Me Moneyā€™ ā€” Olamide* 22

A common misconception that men have about women whom they consider ā€˜gold-diggersā€™ is that weā€™re not loved at home. The irony is that I expect any man Iā€™m with to take care of me because Iā€™m used to being taken care of by my family. I like men who have money to blow on me, not necessarily because I need it but because we both think it is what I deserve.Ā 

Iā€™ve been with my current partner on and off for three years, but we only started dating officially two years ago. 

Two months ago, he changed my phone to the latest iPhone, bought me a MacBook and at least four human hair wigs. I receive a monthly allowance of close to half a million naira. Aside from that,  he sends me money and random gifts spontaneously. 

Before him, my last two partners were also people who sent me money regularly. I donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever dated a man who isnā€™t well-to-do.

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

Even though I donā€™t have a job, I donā€™t consider myself financially ā€˜dependentā€™ on my man. I come from a middle-upper-class family, and my parents still support me. But I have expensive taste. I donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever really considered the question of what would happen if I stopped dating wealthy men, because for as long as  I can remember, there has always been a man with money in my life. 

The only downside I see is that I canā€™t really resist when a rich man slides into my DMs. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was still a student without a stable job. Even though I really liked him, I found it hard to stay loyal because he wasnā€™t earning enough.  Early in the relationship, he sent me 40k on my birthday.  When a man I was seeing on the side quadrupled that amount and sent it to me, I texted my boyfriend to ask for a break.  I even considered leaving him entirely. Since then, he has caught me cheating four more times and has become extremely insecure. I think itā€™s part of why he spends so much on me now. 

The fact that Iā€™m so well taken care of has made me allergic to stress. My partner keeps pressuring me to learn a skill or start a business, but just thinking about it gives me a headache.  

The fact that some men send me money also means that they believe they have the liberty to talk to me anyhow. The other day, one of my side-pieces promised me money, and when I texted him to ask for it, he started talking about ā€˜transactional relationshipsā€™. He was insinuating that I was a prostitute. We had a fight over it, and he later apologised, but I felt really offended by what he said. The knowledge that deep down he thinks of me that way is really unpleasant.  

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